GROWING

MIA

nnej — Fri, 07 May 2010 22:59:49 +0000

Soon it will be a year since my last post. There has been changes in my life but not drastic enough to make the old pain and loss go completely away. I definitely have not been crying like before but I have my moments and unfortunately T has to suffer with me. I got into grad school, although not into my top choices, but I did not want to wait any longer. I wanted to do something new, learn something new, keep myself busy and move on. I was going to buy a house too but gave it up last minute because I wasn’t sure my company was going to help pay for school, and I just didn’t want to feel trap or tight on cash. Plus, I wasn’t completely thrilled about the house anyways. It just felt like a good deal at the time. Obviously, the great deals are in Texas but this was a good deal relative to the prices of other homes around here.

It has only been 3 qtrs of school and I’m wishing it to be done already. I wanted to start right away and now I want it to end right away. Sigh. Another 2 years. I’m so impatient.

Blah. Love songs are not helping me right now. At the end of this month, J will be married. It still hasn’t hit me. I’m not sure how I’ll be when that day arrives and go. It’s so surreal to me. Yes, it’s been a long time and I haven’t completely let go. I’ve moved on but there’s still a string attached. I was told that I have detachment issues due to my father not being around when I was going up. Could be true. I’ve always hated when people leave me. When friends move on and “leave” me, so to speak. I feel a loss. Really odd.

Oh, N’s gf also lives with him in SF now. Yeh. Everyone is happy. Everyone gets what they want. Woot. What the f**k do I want?

work school house

nnej — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 08:58:05 +0000

all at the same time. stress. headache. confusion. anger. anxious. answers. please. help.

forgot one other thing

nnej — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 08:56:19 +0000

http://www.mercurynews.com/business/ci_13369705?source=rss&nclick_check=1

5 6 things about < > < >

1. Lived on couches for a year.
2. Won the right to test-drive a 2010 Ford Fiesta for six months in an online contest.
3. Is a burrito aficionado and has eaten at almost every burrito place in San Francisco.
4. Can recite pi to the 30th digit.
5. Hung out with Bill Gates at his home in Washington.

6. Cheated and lied to ex gf for over a year.

#6 should be his proudest and greatest achievement. Karma. Please.

timing

nnej — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 09:37:58 +0000

i absolutely cannot believe how critical timing is. I probably missed J by half a year… and by that it changed my life forever. Perhaps not. I cannot say that for sure, right? Perhaps it would not have worked out anyways, but now I will never know. I really wish I could just go back in time just to see. I keep thinking what is it that she has that only took her two years before J decided to marry her while I took five to six years and got nothing but misery right now. I am having a hard time understanding that. There must be positives to this. Perhaps it led me to T, who has been wonderful. I wish my heart would feel the same way. It really needs to follow the head because it was the reason this whole screwup started in the first place.

i had my closure. I emailed J. This was his response:

I’ll keep it simple. I don’t hate you and wish you the best, but I don’t think it is a good idea to be friends. I’ve never thought it was a good situation for ex’s to be friends and I still don’t. I’m not friends with H***n. I’m about to get married to Ch*stine and we are buying a house together and currently having a friendly relationship is not in my best interests. I know that’s selfish. I really hope the best for you and your future endeavors. I hope that answers your questions.

That sounded like a we were colleagues, business partners. “Good luck in your future endeavors”. It’s so odd to me how the closest person I know is now a complete stranger or at least treats me like one. It’s as though your mother or father suddenly stop acknowledging you anymore. It’s just plain odd to me. We never had a bitter breakup. Like i said before, i had only asked for a break, not a permanent break up. I wish I got that in contract. haha. Lesson learned.

His other email said this when I asked him whether he was ever serious about me and ever considered marrying me. His response:

I think I was serious, but I don’t think I was mature enough yet to think about marriage.

Somehow I missed that memo during those 5 years.

I put all his pictures away last week. It was better than expected. I did not shed a tear, but I think I was tired and just going through the motions of trying to actively close that part of my life. It was rather sad seeing those pictures. It only made me feel like this whole thing is even more unbelievable. Now I have these random empty slots in my photo albums. Ridiculous.

I look at my hands and they look wrinkled and old. (ok, i am not in a well lit area) I think all the tears I have shed during the last 4-5 years have made me look older as well. I want to say wiser, but I have yet to believe that. I await the day when I can look back and smile at how everything happened. But until then…suffering.

Sometimes I wish I could call just the way it used to be and vent. Vent and tell him how much i miss him. how great it was to just hear his voice….before he has to cut it short because he is tired and needs to go to bed. fuck. we were a team. the super powerful couple. that was supposed to be us. he gave up on the team. he didn’t believe in the team. T believes in the team. i need to work on the new team. can the new team surpass the legacy that was left by the previous team?

Been awhile

nnej — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 08:46:45 +0000

this is a good sign. When things are going well, I tend to write less. I haven’t written since Feb, so things must be going well since then. And I think it has. Dating life is going well. In a stable relationship. New guy since last Sept, T, is really sweet. I’m still not sure whether he is the one. I don’t know why I don’t know for sure. I can’t pin point it. I think a big part is not having complete closure from J, which is really sad since he has completely moved on. In fact, he is already engaged. And not gonna lie. Sometimes the thought of N still irritates me. The whole bitterness still returns, but of course not being with him is best. Still can’t help feeling rejected, which again is silly, but brain is somehow conditioned to automatically think less of oneself first. Ridiculous, really.

Will have to update more later.

Current projects – work busy like crazy, gonna be going to grad school (part time), and looking for a house to purchase. Big, big decisions. And money suckers. ha.

ups and downs…

nnej — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 00:14:51 +0000

well to tell you the truth, it’s more like midlevel and downs… not really ups… haha. feeling the funk again. not as bad as this past Tuesday, but occasional thoughts and extra tension and external stress factors would trigger tears. I really need to find a way to control the stress and just the pressure of everything.

omg, i just wrote a fuckin post and internet died or whatevers here and now i lost it!!!! argh!! ok… can there be anymore things to add to my stress?!!!

fuck. fuck. fuck.

wow…

nnej — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 07:07:29 +0000

find it ironic… so N’s current gf has a blog… and in it it references her relationship with N. This reminded me of the time he came to me to ask me to make my personal blog private because he didn’t want his then gf Nic to see what I wrote. Hmm, can i do the same now? F**ker. and supposedly N loves this girl’s writing and bought her a domain name so that it will be easier to remember. wow. did he do anything like that for me? no. first he wanted my thoughts sensored. wtf. fine, i’ll be nice and did it. and now what. what a f**ker. right now i cannot be the nice person that i am or strive to be. i cannot wish him well. on the contrary, i wish him pain. absolute pain. eternal pain. wish we were in Saudi Arabia. He’d be killed for adultry. yeah. sorry, but this is just how i feel right now. yeah, yeah.. i’m letting him hurt me. i’m sorry i don’t have that much control over my mind. my heart feels what it feels. i wish he’d feel what i feel. i hope karma is true.

jlam couldn’t have lunch with me today bc he had a lunch date with N. how sad. i had introduced them and now they remain as friends. N was at the office and it was no longer to see me. that thought is just another painful chapter of this nightmare.

week’s lesson: imagine finding out the worst about him. gf, engaged, married, rich, etc. imagine it out. expect the worst. i hate this lesson.

was hoping to update with all the beautiful and wonderful things as of late…

nnej — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 17:24:36 +0000

but it seems like only the downers motivate me enough to write… i guess this is a theraputic process for me. what can i say. i’m not over the f**ker. don’t ask me why in the world am i not over the f**ker if he’s such a f**ker. i wish i knew. i really do. but yeah, suffered an episode again. too much info. truth hurts. info hurts. the knife has been twisted again in my heart. i thought the knife had already been removed and the healing had begun, but perhaps i was kidding myself. it most definitely does not feel like it. it definitely feels like the knife is still sharp and someone twisted it . pondering whether Ty will be the one who will be able to remove it and allow the healing process to begin. i know, it should start with me. i told Ty that but he wants to be there for me. it’s unfair to him. i feel awful. i feel like i need the alone time to just find peace in myself. i dream of leaving this world behind. i dream of getting away. i dream of going to India and do yoga and meditate until i find my soul again. i really need to find my soul. at moments like this, i feel so dark and empty even though i know better. heart tainted. it’s dying from cancer. cancer is consuming me. f**k this post. it’s depressing. it’s stupid. it’s me.

where’s the confident girl i aspire to be. how can i let all these external factors affect me? where is my self love. did i ever have it. i really thought this was over. i really thought finally i can feel the sunshine on me again. i really did.

i love my friends. i depend on them. i cannot live without live. i am forever greatful for their undying love and support. i cannot describe how much i appreciate their support. i absolutely could not have gotten this far without them.

update

nnej — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 18:49:53 +0000

too many. will try to recap the last few months. currently in LA for the week. working remotely and checking out bschool. (ucla and usc). right now, in Internet marketing class at USC taught by Allen Weiss. yesterday i sat in a communications course at USC. students presented and was videotaped. then the video was replayed and students critiqued or provided “feed forward” to each other.

ucla vs usc

ucla: students seem more serious, mature, conservative; campus: closed and nicer

usc: students seem younger, more trendy, less intimidating; campus: smack in central LA. seems chaotic. will check out rest of school soon.

5:40am PST

nnej — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 13:46:14 +0000

can’t sleep. tons of thoughts. stress about bschool essays. thinking about life. jeff, noah, tyler. love all their names. tired. hungry. need sleep, but can’t sleep. shiet. jeff – what happened with us. i still can’t believe it to this day. when am i gonna be completely over it. noah – saw some pics on flickr. some made me smile. others not. you and that girl. right before i came to argentina. felt sick to my stomach. still hurt inside. anger came out from the grave. when am i gonna be completely over it. tyler – awesome. sweet. is he the one? when can i get over the first two so that i can let myself free and give tyler all that he deserves.